I wish I had a river
06.16.10 (5:22 pm) [edit]I'm sorry for all the things that I've ever done to cause pain or hurt, and I'm sorry that anyone ever hurt me and made me affraid to love and so many other things.
Art the remover of all obsticles
01.16.10 (1:12 am) [edit]I am just about ready to start my second painting and since I have a lot of obsticles in my life right now, I think it would be fitting to do a painting of Ganesh, the elephant hindu diety. He is the remover of all obsticles in ones life. The original I tattooed on a buddy of mine. It was a custom piece, and since you can't keep a customers arm because you enjoyed the way a piece came out, the next best thing is to do a painting of it. I'm sure eventually I will sell it, but for a little while I will enjoy it on my wall.
I love religious/spiritual art. I went to the library today, and found a few really cool books on Jesus and saints. I'd perfere, however, to at some point try my hand at a Virgin Mary, but that requires a lot more skill than doing a Genesh or Japanese tattoo style painting. I'd like to put out like 10 or so paintings and hang them for sell at a coffee shop. It's not something I've ever done, but artists do it all the time. I think I will give it a try and see what happens.
Love is not good enough
01.15.10 (12:02 am) [edit]I have a lot on my mind these days, and that's why it makes it tougher for me to even find the courage to go on a date with this amazingly beautiful girl who, within a couple of days after meeting her, I lost my vision, my job, and my confidence, which is quit bruised. I feel that the timing could not be any worse, why couldn't I have met her last year when I was proud of myself and things were going good for me. In my past experience, love is just not good enough.
That's what friends are 4 (letter 2 Kev)
01.14.10 (5:59 pm) [edit]Hello my sweet, I hope you are feeling better. You know I miss you immensly. I wish we could be close together because it does help when one has a friend who understands and can provide the support and love that one needs. You know years ago when I was just begining my twenties, I felt so isolated and spent all of my waking hours crying and trying to pull myself up and out of my depression. It wasn't until I met my friend Jon who helped me make sense of myself and what I had been through. He helped me to realize that I was not dumb - I was not lazy - and I was not crazy. When infact I was probably smarter than the average. Jon used to tell me. "Jack, your not dumb, did you ever think that maybe they're doing it wrong." Jon saw my inablility to hold a job and my not being able to relate to most people as a sign of intellegence, and I was not dull enough to do all the robotic and mondane things that most people do and that my depression and mental instability was a side effect - a symtom of all the years of bad parenting and society trying to mold me and make me like "them" Jon understood my bouts of crying, and the terrible self worth that I thought of myself. From the ages of 18 to 21, I was living the life of a drug addict only I wasn't slamming dope in my arms. I was excercisng 4-6 hrs a day, as a grieving mechanism, and gorging myself with an inhuman amount of food. I am sure that between the high off of the endorphins from excercising and the high off the insulin that my body had to produce in order to try and keep up with all the food I had gorged, I was as fucked up as any drug addict - altered - locked in a room, irritable, dirty and helpless against this dark cycle. I had deteriorated and I was more like a monster or creature than human. After 3 yrs of this my brain did not function properly. I was addmited to the hospital were I stayed for 3 months, trying to regain my mental and physical health. A year after I was release from the hospital I met Jon, he was the one who made me feel not so alone. He got everything I said and helped me understand that there was nothing wrong with me, other than the fact that I was trying to be like "them." It only made me sick trying to achieve this unatainable goal. He talked to me everyday for 6 years and then some to help me process things and my mental health improved. Having one good friend who loves you and gets you and who will comfort you through the bad times is how I got through. Jon is no longer in my daily life, because he moved away and is now debilitated and deteriorating from MS, but his loyal and undying friendship, unwittingly taught me the skills i needed to survive. A lot of what I tell you, is based in how my friend Jon helped me to understand myself in relation to the world. There will always be people like us Kevin, but you always have a home in my heart.
One
01.11.10 (8:24 pm) [edit]My life has definately changed, I don't get up and go to the tattoo shop anymore. I get up, and I work on what I can at home. My eye seems to be getting better.I can see clearer and my vision is no longer grey. Though things are warped, people look like cyclopes or quazimoto to me, but my vision is improving. I relise that I won't be able to work at the shop. I feel bad about that, but I have to move on quickly in order to get where I want. Anyway, today I did a painting, It's coming out very nicely. It was am image that I designed for my tshirt line. It is very Japanese tattoo style. That is my favorite. You know, I am very pleased with the work that I am putting out. I have goals that I am aiming for and it is just a matter of time till I get there. My friend chik, wants me to tattoo his back - He wants a medicine buddha and two dragons. I drew up the design and he loved it. I can't wait till my eye completely heals. I am doing it old school style. I am gona lay him on the floor no fancy chair or table to lay him on just a mat. I like it that way, It's very Japanese, really grounding you to the earth and nothing inbetween. It's reminds me of the saying, "The more you get away from nature the more things you need," thus becoming disconnected to yourself and from nature. I feel I will become one with the process and at the same time really ground me. I feel I will grow spiritually and artistically.
Letter to Kev
01.11.10 (3:48 pm) [edit]You have everything to complain about Kevy, outa everything that I have been through in my life depression is by far the worst thing that I have had to contend with. Our mental health designates how we function in our lives, and without mental well being things can go very wrong and become very serious. I spent my late teenage years and 20's up until around the time I met you in and out of mental hospitals and psychiatric appointments, fighting the feelings that you describe plus a few of my own, so I definately understand how bad things can get. I think it was perhaps 8 months or so before I met you that I had tried to kill myself. Waking up in the hospital after being in critical condition and then being put into the mental ward after I recovered was an eye awakener. It was there that I relized I was NOT crazy, just caught in a world that is not condusive to a person like me ( and I believe not condusive to you). It is strange to say, but I am glad I experienced it. I am not saying killing yourself is a good Idea in fact I am saying the opposite. After I had taken the steps in killing myself, something deep inside of me - god inside of me - the true voice spoke to me, I relized I had made a mistake. My heart pounded outa my chest because of all the drugs I had taken, I cried out quietly in a whisper to myself, "Oh, god" because I knew I had made a mistake. It was at that moment that my heart slowed down and did not burst in my chest. I new at that moment that everything would be ok. I am telling you this not to convert you to any religion, because I don't believe in all that bible crap. I am telling you this because. I care and I love you, and I made a mistake. No one or anything is worth losing and giving up your life. I know you are not happy and things don't go right and you feel like you can't find your place in this life. I can't either, but had I not experienced that moment of being cradled by pain and death and heard the true voice inside myself. I never would have relized how important life is. Life is not fun. Life is pain and growth. The one can not be achieved without the other. Kevin, everything you do is not always wrong: infact, you make perfect sense to me. I wish the world was as smart and as understanding as you. You have a broad and kind heart and it is because of the pain you have experienced in your life that you do. Brilliance and true creativity does come with a cost. I have known the most fucked up people in the world, but they where brilliant and the most beautiful and understanding people I have know. I can not relate to people unless they find it hard to be in this world too. The world is hard and fucked up and not condusive to you or me, but you have to make up your own standards - of life and living that are seperate from this world and I do believe you will be much better off.
Letter to Kevy (In Mexico)
01.10.10 (3:11 pm) [edit]Yeah, I have been thinking a lot about painting, but It was a cathardic process for me to get to this point. I think I am now ready. I don't know how to paint, or even how to use the materials needed, or even know what to paint, but I suppose I will figure it out. You know - me being very sick, it only makes sense to me that I should be doing art. It is the only thing that I can do. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I have a terrible disease. It's just a matter of time that they will confirm a diagnosis. I have always suspected that it was M.S or something along those lines, but I was waiting for them to catch up, it's about time. The prognosis is either, MS or Neuromyelitis optical Devic's disease (NMO). Both are very similar diseases, it is debated however wether NMO Neuromyelitis optical Devic's disease is catagorized in the M.S family of diseases. Anyway, common symtoms of both diseases which are troubling to me are the dmylinisation of the spinal cord which can cause paralisis of arms and/or legs. Optic neuritis which can cause vision loss or blindness - death in severe cases can result from both disease, but by resporitary failure in NMO. If I have NMO there are 3 possible case senarios that play out with this disease, 1. possible blind and paralized within 5 years. 2. remision and relapse - which means, I get sick with vision loss and paralisis but can improve over time only to relapse again and agian, terrible vision is expected. 3.Some people only have one episode each of vision loss and paralisis then it goes into remision never returing again. You know I've grown up with hearing about M.S, and I have been sourounded by people on and off through my life who have had it, but you never relize how terrible something is until you get it. Judy's best friend died from it and spent many years of her young life bent and shriveled in a hospital bed until she died a few years ago. It doesn't kill you right away if at all, but It draws you out suffering. Growing up as a kid, my neighbor had it terribly and she was as nutty as a mental case can get. She also ended up in a home. One of my best friends has it and it is just cruel. As I have said I grew up sourounded by this disease, and it was so easy to ignore the gravity of it. I never realized how bad it was, but I have suspected since my twenties that a good portion of my mental health problems were from whatever was going on with me medically. Agian, I think this is why I have to do art because it is the only thing I can do for myself and possibly generate money for me on my own terms. In the best case senario I have to try and work for myself. I can't work a job without proper vision and slight paralisis. That's why I don't have a job now. I know that my boss said I can go back when I get better, but my instincts and intuition tell me that she is lying to me. I know she does not want me back, which is fine. I will do what I can when I can or when I feel inspired, that is the way it has to be. I've been working on designs for my tshirt line and it is looking good. I'm going to take a silkscreen class at fleisher in March, plus I will be tattooing on my own when I get better. It feels like a dark time for me, but I feel like this is the way it is supossed to be. It's just hard because I got used to going to a job everyday and I did enjoy going there and being a part of something. I am switching gears, but It does not have to be a bad thing, I just have to keep myself productive and moving in a direction. Being in a house, as you know, has a way of making a person feel not valuable. But I think, I've been doing well and trying to stay positive about the whole thing. Changing the way I see life and myself is key and fuck the rest, can't worry anymore have to keep moving forward and evolving to a healthier spiritual plane. Kevy, I think it is a good idea to get yourself comfortable and set your place up to where you can feel like you are home. A good envirnment can sometimes make you feel loved when there is no one in the physical form. It's called being good to yourself. Let me know how that goes. Kevin, I still want to do fab workshop. I was originally going to ask boss to write a letter of recommendation for me, but since how everything went down and she appears to be distancing herself from me, I can't ask her to write it now. I don't trust her. Where or who should I go to to write a letter of recommendation, that would be helpful to me in my endevor to intern at fab workshop. I appologies for such a long drawn out letter, you don't have to respond to all this crap, just wanted to let you know what was going on. However, please give me advice on f workshop. I would realy appriciate that. Mucho carinjo, to chica
Response to Kevy's letter
01.10.10 (2:47 pm) [edit]You know Kevin, for quiet a few years now, it seems we have been on parrelle planes in our journey in life - trying to find our way and carving out a niech for ourselves in this not so yeilding life. It is not so easy, but I do understand where you are coming from because I like you suffer emeasurabley. "I admit I have become quite emotional and get sad all the time. I don't think everyone feels this way" No Kevin, I don't think most people feel this way, but most people have settled and accept a passionless life. I think that is why (we) I suffer. I can't settle for anything less than true love or work that I enjoy and can do within my limits. I think you are more like me than most people I encounter and I appericiate your mind, advice, and being as a whole. You remind me that there are others out there who feel that there has to be another way and of COURSE THERE IS! If you feel it then it does exist and can come to fruition. However, most people need the "Machine" to tell them what to do and rely on it for their selfworth and consiquently savation. Unfortantely, I to base myself selfworth in these society driven standards that I can't meet; therefore therefore I suffer and and am prone to cronic feelings of worthlessness. I need to remind myself that these are not my standards. They are not for my betterment and they where not based on my needs - they never will be. I am a renagade, and it hurts. Does that make any sense? I know that that was long winded but you are on the right path and it is never easy and it does hurt emeasurably. Although you are not in my physical daily life:( I am proud of you because I know you are doing what you need to do - what you feel in your heart. Whether painful or lonely that is the way to be. As far as love and moments of loneliness go, just keep working on the art and mingle when you can. I believe that everything will click into place when you became more spiritually connected to yourself. Again, that goes back to being able to love yourself and being able to be with yourself alone for periods of time. Not many people can achieve happiness left stranded with there own company. I've been able to be alone with myself but never happy. I think for me there is something there to look into - finding some kind of peace, well being and happiness within myself. I think this is a great spiritual endeavor that I must surrmont. Think about it Kevin, how many people can be alone and by themselves and feel ok. I don't think I know any. I would like to try this. I'm not saying for you to do this, but when you do feel alone, think about it. Is your company so bad that you do not want to be by yourself. I know everyone wants love, but until one can get it, give it a try. I think I am in a period of change and it does hurt, but I will not fight or judge myself like I have done in the past. I think I will accept this transition and be and do what is to come, whatever that is. That is what I need to do to be kind and take care of myself. I am very curious what you said in your last email to me about - ideas and artists like Frida? I think at some point within the new year I might want to stay with you for a month or so, to paint and do art. We could drink coffee and tequilla, and paint and talk and wake up in our painting clothes. That would be ideal. Perhaps have a dinner gathering with a few friends who we could entertain. Anyway, i'm fantacising, but I would like to come and paint for a period of time. Post more of your art so I can see and talk to you about. I think you are onto something in Mexico, keep creating. Can't wait to see...
I'll do it my way
12.29.09 (9:48 pm) [edit]The good news is, I don't have hiv. The bad news is they still can't diagnose what is wrong with me. I believe I have M.S I was a tattoo apprentice about to begin my tattoo carreer in the spring. My life was by no means perfect never, but I was working through things, working towards something. Doing the best I had ever done in my life, but I woke up a one morning and something was wrong with my eye. The loss of the vision in my right eye took me, quote unquote "away from my job," but I will not let it take me from my path. I will get there my way. I have cried many tears in my life, and it's not worthe it anymore.
She is the girl
12.18.09 (12:35 pm) [edit]I haven't even met her yet, but I miss her already. She winked at me through the internet, sends me texts on my phone. She responds to me with flitation and with no hesitation. She lets me know she's interested. I read her profile and looked at her pictures. It scared me, cause she is everything that that i have ever wanted. She is the girl who fits my hopes, dreams and desires. She is the girl who fits my lifestyle. She is fashion vogue. She is cutting edge hot. She is street chic. She is flirtatious and energetic, and she can hurt me.
hiv puts things in a different perspective
12.18.09 (12:35 am) [edit]I just got back from the hospital. I started thinking about the unprotected sex that I had. My eye sight is disapearing. Dr's ruled out MS this time, My brain looks healthy. They mentioned Lupus, but I have to wait for the results. Still worried about that unprotected sex. I have to get an hiv test. Well, I've been pretty good about getting hiv tests in the past. I try get tested every so often. I just wish that I would be more careful when it comes to sex. Sometimes, I'm just so wreckless and out of control. I think this time around, my eyes are opening. It's no fun to lose your sight. It's no fun to have lesions in your spine. It possibly M.S. It's possibly Lupus. I don't want to think it's possibly hiv. I will get tested, but being scared has put things in a different perspective. I was affraid of living. I was affraid of taking risks. I was affraid that no one would love me. I was protecting myself from letting anyone get to close. It's funny that when you think you have a desease or that you are dying, you are ready to to live. You are ready to take risks. You are ready for love. You are ready to be kind to yourself. You are ready to be healed.
Totem animals
12.21.07 (10:49 pm) [edit]I can't remember my totem animals, this bothers me. I have been bothered by this for more than a few years. I remember having turkey, spider, deer, dog, ant, after that I only have vague references to maybe moose or elk, damn this bugs me and in which order who knows?